# 1 - Am I dressed yet?
So here it is...the # 1 printable funniest/best memory of my 50 years. After this one, I will start on the Top 10 things I've learned in my 50 years on this planet. I am only 11 days away from turning 50. Crazy.
And if the only posts someone had ever read were my last one and this one, they could come to the conclusion that I have problems dressing myself. They wouldn't be too far from the truth...hmm.....
This story happened about 9 or 10 years ago. I don't remember exactly when, but S had her license, so I know it wasn't any more than 10 years ago, and it was before her pink hair, so it wasn't any less than 8 years ago. The dr. wanted me to have a colonoscopy to check for some stuff. No, that isn't so much the funny part of the story - or even a best memory. Anyone who has had one can understand what I mean. The prep ain't fun, and the whole idea of the thing is even worse.
No, this is more the story of me waking up from the anesthesia after the colonoscopy. It goes something like this. Anything you can do to add a drunken slur to my voice as you read below will add to your overall enjoyment of the reading and its authenticity.
I am aware of being awake, and I remember seeing the lovely pics that they show you after the procedure when they tell you it all looks good. I know S is next to me, waiting for me to be released, and I remember that B also came with us that day to the hospital. I'm laying on a gurney with a sheet over me.
"Am I dressed yet?" I ask as I lift the sheet up and look down. "Oh, no, I guess not."
"No, they haven't said that you could get dressed yet, Mom," S replies.
"Where's B?" I ask.
"She went to the bathroom," S patiently replies.
"Where is the bathroom?"
"Right down the hall," S answers.
"And she knows her way back?"
"Yes, Mom, she knows her way back."
"Am I dressed yet?" I ask as I lift the sheet up and look down. "Oh, no, I guess not."
"No, you're not dressed yet," S replies, this time with more of a smile on her face.
"Where's B? Is B ok?" I ask as I frantically look around the room.
"Yes, Mom, B, is ok. She went to the bathroom."
"Where is the bathroom?"
"Right down the hall," S again answers.
"And she knows her way back?"
"Yes, she knows her way back." For some reason, S is getting a bit exasperated with me. I can't imagine why.
I lift the sheet up and look down. "Am I dressed yet? Oh, no, I guess not."
This time S laughs out loud for some reason and says something about me not being dressed yet.
"Where is B? Is B ok?"
Again S laughs out loud as she tells me that B is in the bathroom down the hall.
"Does she know how to get back?"
"Yes, she knows how to get back."
Finally B shows up, and so I rest easier. "Am I dressed yet?" as I lift the sheet again. "Oh, no, I'm not yet."
By now, S is laughing a lot and letting B in on the joke. I am only barely aware of what is so funny.
The next thing I recall we are in the car. To this day I couldn't tell you whether I dressed myself, S dressed me or a nurse. And I think I'd just plain rather not know and keep it that way. But back to the car. We had left the hospital and S was driving us home. I was snoozing against the passenger window when all of a sudden I pop up and say in my best drunken wisdom, "It's a good thing they said I shouldn't drive home."
"Yes, Mom, it's a good thing you're not driving home," S replies as she pats me back down into the seat.
And then there's laughter in the car from both girls. I can't imagine why.
S does quite the good imitation of of me in this scene. You should try to catch one of her shows sometime. The price of tickets is quite reasonable.
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