# 2 - Dressing up

The Top 10 Funniest/Best Memories of My 50 years...

 

# 2 Dressing up.

This story comes with a Deb Disclaimer.  All of the events described here are true, and the initials have not been changed to protect the innocent.  While some may find the subject matter too personal or perhaps crossing the line into TMI, my hope is that you see the overarching humor in the telling rather than get hung up on the inclusion of certain words.  If you are easily offended by talk of a woman's intimate apparel, then I suggest that you stop reading now.

I had been invited to a Chrismas party with a friend who happened to be a boy - as in that DTR (define the relationship) distinction between a boy friend and a boyfriend.  I accepted and as only chicks can get, I

got all excited and nervous about what to wear.  I had "nothing," so I enlisted the help of W (back before we were ever sisters in the sisterhood) to take me shopping.  We went over a lunch break at work and settled on a somewhat sexy black number (back before brown was the new black and all that).  She had to talk me into the dress, but I have to admit, it made me feel pretty. 

And if my sons are reading, I apologize for making you cringe while I talk about a "somewhat sexy black number."  You're right.  Mothers shouldn't ever talk like that.  Don't worry.  This story only gets worse...

Because of the cut of the dress, I had to get a different sort of bra to wear with it.  So yes, this is where the story takes a "bad" turn.  But let me let you in on a few secrets.  Are you ready?

1. I am a woman.  See other blog profile information for background on this secret.
2. As such, I belong to the approximately 50% of the population who need bras.  While not all of that 50% actually wear said undergarments, I have watched enough "What Not to Wear" shows to know that Stacy and Clinton agree that women should do so most of the time.
3. Despite the fact that mothers no longer officially need the body parts that bras are designed to cover once they are done nursing their babies, we do still keep them.  And therefore need bras.  Again with apologies to my sons and their delicate, sensitive ears...er...I mean eyes...
4. Reread the above Deb Disclaimer for any further questions.

I found something called a Nubra Ultralite.  If I took a picture of the box it would explain it better than I can, but then I really could be stepping over the line into TMI or soft porn.  Instead I will quote one line from the box that should help describe it sufficiently - at least for the women reading this post. 

• Foam bra cups with adhesive inside cups plus front closure for cleavage and lift

The is a direct quote from the box, bullet point included.  I hope you get the idea.  This thing has no straps of any kind to worry about showing.  Which makes it new and different for me - something a woman will seek out the help of another woman to understand.  So I head to C's apartment to discuss.

Not the best choice of women to assist with this particular question.  Not because she was offended by it, but because she, like me, didn't really have any first-hand experience with such a bra. 

But have no fear.  This bra comes with instructions!  And being the resourceful, intelligent women that we are, we start to read.  Instruction 1 was all about cleaning. Yea...yea...whatever.

Instruction 2 is where it gets interesting.  Again quoting from the box, and assuming that these things are still on the market, anyone could read this on the outside of the box in any good department store, so it's not like I bought this at one of them seedy lingerie shops with darkened windows. 

• PLACE ONE SIDE ON AT A TIME:  Stand in front of the mirror.  Flip the cup outward while holding the bra cup by the edges with both hands (see photo [not included on post]).  Position the cup to your desired breast angle and gently smooth the cup edges firmly to the breast with your fingertips.  Repeat the same application on your other breast, being sure both sides are equal in height (see suggestions).

I won't go into the suggestions, but did you catch that one phrase?  The "desired breast angle" phrase?  C & I caught it.  We most certainly did.  We went 20 minutes of standup on that very phrase.  Part humor but lots part curiosity.  What is Deb's desired breast angle?  What should it be?  If I have a particular breast angle in mind - which I did not yet at the time - how do I know if it's right or not? 

Can you see our dilemma?  Are we the only 2 woman in America who are still to this day stumped by what the desired breast angle should be?

But we haven't even gotten to the best part yet.  See, my daughter, B, was with me at C's apartment.  B was at just the perfect age to be listening in on this whole discussion.  You know, about 10 years old - just the right age to be absolutely and totalling embarassed by her mother and her mother's friend going on and on about desired breast angles.  I'm sure she wondered where she got off of the world and into this alternate universe and was she ever going to get back.

Somehow I wore the dress and whether the angle I created was the desired one or something else entirely it is hard to say.  But I am still not sure how to answer the box's implied question: do you know your desired breast angle?  Maybe someday I'll learn.