I am confident

This is the first post in a series of blogs that will form a complete thought.  No rush to finish, and hopefully it will make sense when it's all said and done.  And I have other blog ideas that I will intersperse (had to check dictionary.com for the spelling on that one!) here and there such as "cake scraps" and "aspic" but more on those later.

This one is on the phrase, "I am confident."  It's an intriguing idea really.  It's an emphatic statement.  There is no question mark implied at the end.  It's a statement - a statement of identity to be exact, as in confidence is a state of being strong enough that one can claim an identity as confident.  Crazy.  Outrageous as a matter of fact.  How bold!  How audacious!  And yet it can also be said quietly.  In fact it holds more meaning, it holds more purpose, it holds more weight when it is said quietly.

Or when it is said through great pain.

Or when it is said despite fear.

Or when it is said after a catastrophe.  When despair is the logic response.

So does it apply to me?  Most of the time I am conscious of being nervous.  Like now, for example.  This weekend we go live with a project at work that I've been working on for over a year, and in some circles it has come to be known as "that thing Deb is working on."  And by some circles I mean senior executives.  I feel like we have tested this well and are prepared, but I'm still nervous. 

And that's just one example of being nervous.  I can name many others.  Like all of the beautiful work that has recently been done on my house.  I LOVE the results, but I'm nervous that it won't last, that it will all go away without warning.  I'm nervous about auditioning to sing with a choir.  I'm nervous to even show people this blog.

I am well acquainted with nerves.  We go way back.  I was one of those kids with a "nervous stomach" as they called it back then.  I wasn't given any drugs for it back then; back then we were tough and just lived with it!  (Insert Tim Allen "arrgh!" grunt here!)

But am I well acquainted with confidence? 

If confidence means moving ahead in spite of the nerves, then I may be able to say, "I am confident." 

If confidence means taking the medicine despite the pain, then I may be able to say, "I am confident."

If confidence means going forward with the project regardless of the fear, then I may be able to say, "I am confident."

If confidence means keeping on keeping on even though everything is a disaster around me, then I may be able to say, "I am confident."

If confidence means doing the right thing by my kids because it's the right thing even when I didn't feel like doing the right then, then I may be able to say, "I am confident."

If confidence means going to the house to see about my father's deceased body despite the hospice worker's freak out over the phone, then I may be able to say, "I am confident."  (Maybe I'll tell that story sometime...)

If confident means clicking the "Publish Post' button below, then I may be able to say, "I am confident."

Or I could be trying to convince myself.  Or deciding to "be" confident even when I don't feel it.

Or maybe, just maybe, I am confident.  Question mark????