Shoes are Hard

Do you wear shoes?  Chances are good that your answer is "Yes."  If you have access to a smart phone or a computer to read this blog post, my guess is that you have at least one pair of shoes in your possession.  We are not talking about whether those shoes are in your closet or by your bed or by the ottoman.  That isn't the point of this post.

Nor is it why the title is so named.  Nope, shoes are hard.  They can be very confusing.  For some people at least.  Especially people at airports.  Or most specifically for people with TSA uniforms at airports.

I have two stories to share with you, neither of which happened to me, but I have heard these stories first hand, from the individuals who participated in the conversations "recorded" below.

Deb Disclaimer:  "Recorded" is between quotation marks, because our Winter Story took place in 2008, so what is shown below may or may not be direct quotes but it does represent the overall essence of the events which took place at Lambert St. Louis International Airport.  Our Spring Story took place in 2014, so what is shown below will be a direct quote as related to me by the participant.

Winter Shoe Story

The day was Saturday; Saturday morning December 20, 2008, to be exact.  Our friend, Miss Daisy, had been driven to the Lambert St. Louis International Airport by yours truly, heretofore known as Hoke, early that morning for Miss Daisy's 8am flight to Nashville.  Hoke had confirmed that Miss Daisy had collected all of his belongings (yes, "his") and driven off, leaving Miss Daisy to maneuver through the check-in and TSA security routines that we have all come to know and love.  Little did Hoke know that a now famous story was about to unfold.

Before we proceed with our story, we need to remind you that this is December 20 in St. Louis.  St. Louis is not Florida.  St. Louis is not California.  St. Louis is Missouri.  St. Louis is the Midwest.  St. Louis fully experiences all four seasons.  St. Louis is cold in December.  I believe that the temperature was about 28 degrees that morning plus there was snow still on the ground that had fallen a few days before.  Remember this when we get later in our story.  A friend once said "Context is King" for good reason.  Keep our context in mind.

Miss Daisy has been referred to as "a tall drink of water" with a deep Southern drawl reminiscent of his days in Alabama, but also enhanced by his more recent life in Rutherford County, Tennessee.  Miss Daisy is quite experienced with flying.  Miss Daisy had, in fact, made this trip MULTIPLE times throughout 2008, and this would be his last flight home, ready for the holidays, before returning for the New Year and our SAP "Go-Live."  Miss Daisy was indeed ready for a few days of rest and holiday festivities.  But today's trip would not be like all of the rest.

Miss Daisy's boarding pass and ID had been examined by the first TSA official.  He had snaked his way to the gray plastic totes and picked up one for his laptop and one for his shoes and one for his belt and keys and change and all other potentially life-threatening paraphernalia that we now respect as the means of keeping us "safe."  Like we all do these days, Miss Daisy had placed his totes on the conveyor belt and stepped through the machine set up to confirm that Miss Daisy was indeed as harmless as her, er, his, name would lead us to believe.

He was.  So now Miss Daisy is waiting for his totes to come through.  He sees his laptop.  He sees his belt, and his keys and his jacket and his loose change, and he is putting these things back where they belong on his person.  Miss Daisy reaches for his shoes.

But no shoes.

Miss Daisy waits.

Still no shoes.  Still no tote with his shoes.

And this is where our story starts to get interesting.

Miss Daisy:  Where are my shoes?

TSA:  Sir?

Miss Daisy:  My shoes.  What happened to my shoes?

TSA:  I am sure they will be coming through momentarily.

<Insert moments of waiting and watching here.>

TSA:  Here come your shoes.

Miss Daisy:  Those are not my shoes.

TSA:  How about these?

Miss Daisy:  No, not those.

This continues for a few more totes.  Still no shoes.  Well, still no shoes that belong to Miss Daisy.  Other totes come through with shoes in them, but not Miss Daisy's shoes.

Finally, TSA turns to Miss Daisy and asks:

TSA:  Sir, are you sure you had your shoes with you today?

Miss Daisy:  Excuse me, what?

TSA:  Sir, are you sure you had your shoes with you today?

Remember the context of our story I told you to remember until later?  Remember it now.  It is about 28 degrees outside with snow on the ground.  How do you think Miss Daisy wanted to respond to TSA at this moment?

Miss Daisy thoughts:  Am I SURE I had my shoes today???  Am I SURE I had my shoes today?  It is 20-freakin'-8 degrees outside, and there is snow on the ground and you are asking me if I'm SURE I had my shoes today?  Do you see these socks on my feet?  Do you really think I walked in here with only socks on my feet???  And you had to ask me this question twice, because that is your script????

Miss Daisy's comments:  Yes, sir, I'm sure I had my shoes.

(For you see, Miss Daisy has read all of the warning signs about joking comments with the TSA being taken seriously, and is not sure whether the above sarcasm would be appreciated by our TSA "helper" so Miss Daisy exercises wisdom and errs on the side of caution.)

Our story ends with Miss Daisy finding his shoes in another "private check" area about 4 lines over, and he makes his flight, but back to our blog title:  Shoes are hard.  Apparently.

Spring Shoe Story

Our only context for this story is that we are in the year 2014 at a TSA checkpoint.  I am not sure if this took place in Lambert St. Louis International Airport or Sea-Tac Airport in Seattle or O'Hare Airport in Chicago.  All we get is the conversation, but I am confident that it will be enough to support our title thesis.

TSA:  Ma'am, did you know your shoes have metal shanks in them?

PK:  I'm sorry, what?

TSA:  Your shoes.  They have metal shanks in them.  Can you explain?

PK: I'm sorry, but those are not my shoes.

TSA:  Ma'am, I am looking at your shoes, and there are metal shanks.

PK:  Well, I am looking at my shoes, so I am not sure how you can be looking at my shoes?

TSA:  Ma'am, this is serious.  Please explain the metal shanks in your shoes.

PK:  Sir, I am certain those are not my shoes (while flinging her leg up onto the conveyor belt) as I believe I am wearing my shoes.

TSA:  Well then whose shoes are they?

PK:  Perhaps one of the 5 women behind me trying to get through the line you are holding up?  Oh look, she has no shoes on.  Try her.

TSA:  Ma'am, this is not a laughing matter.

PK:  Sir, I'm still not laughing, just trying to get to my gate.

OBNOXIOUS LADY WITH NO SHOES:  Hey, what's the hold up?  I want my shoes back.

PK:  You have a lovely day, sir.

(I dare you to read our Spring Story out loud without laughing.  I double dog dare you.)

I repeat.  Shoes are hard.